The Misadventures of the Terrific Trio
by onceuponasupernaturalholmes
Summary: Being the tale of Jefferson, Frankenstein and Rumplestiltskin and their adventures and ensuing chaos in the fairytale realm. Laughter will be shared, tears will be shed, and friendships will be born and broken. Rated T for language
1. In Which Maleficent is a Colossal Bitch

Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time, just writing for fun. Also, this story is by no means meant to be taken seriously, so expect some OOC-ness and whatnot.

Rated: M for language

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Chapter One

In Which Maleficent is a Colossal Bitch

The hat expanded as it spun, enveloping the two figures waiting for passage. Darkness, a suffocating vice and suddenly the two were standing in a familiar dining hall. Jefferson picked up his hat and dusted the top where it had made contact with the dusty floor and once again he had to wonder why, with all his power, the Dark One didn't use his magic to eradicate the dust that settled over the entire castle. He glanced at his partner, Dr. Frankenstein and flashed him a crooked grin. "See? Magic _is_ more useful than science," he declared, placing the hat firmly on his head.

Frankenstein lofted a brow. "Excuse me? It was my science that allowed us to procure the artifact."

"No," the Hatter pointed out. "It was your carrying on about _color_ that allowed us to procure the artifact because you frightened them, they believed you mad."

The doctor frowned. "I am not used to these colors you speak of. Such as my hair, you said it was…blonde?"

"Yes, Doctor, you have blonde hair, very good."

A giggle permeated the air and the pair glanced over to the table where a figure appeared. The imp was dressed to impress in rich reds and deep browns and he stood with a flourish now that he had their attention. "Did you get it?" he asked.

Frankenstein held out the glowing sphere as proof of their victory. "This is what she wanted."

Rumplestiltskin held his hand open for the sphere and Frankenstein dropped it into a green-tinted palm. The Dark One held it aloft and examined it, lips stretched wide as he nodded in approval. "Good, good," he muttered. "Now the deal can be completed," he finished theatrically waving his empty hand through the air. "Come, come there's not a moment to lose!"

"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather go back to my own land now, you hardly need me there to deliver the thing," Frankenstein piped in as Rumplestiltskin beckoned them close.

"You don't want to reap the rewards?" Jefferson asked, canting his head to the side. "She said she would pay handsomely, why pass that up?"

"Are you afraid of the big, bad witch?" the Dark One taunted.

Frankenstein grumbled and put up no more argument as he and the Hatter stood by Rumplestiltskin. He tucked the sphere into the safety of his tunic before he grabbed hold of the others and vanished and a cloud of red smoke. They appeared in a dark throne room, the only light from the flickering fire set deep in the hearth. There was an ornate throne placed before the fire and a figure stirred upon their arrival before a beautiful woman came to view, standing to an impressive height. Her blond hair was done up in intricate twists and braids and her gown was of the finest make. She smiled serenely at the trio and gently placed her hands together.

"You were successful," she said.

"Of course, dearie," Rumplestiltskin replied, withdrawing the sphere.

"What's he going on about? He didn't even do anything," the doctor muttered.

"You'll have to get used to that," Jefferson replied. "It comes with being the Dark One, it's best not to try and fight him for the spotlight."

"I can hear you both," the Dark One snapped.

"As can I and you're wasting my time," Maleficent added sharply. She held her hand out. "Now give me my property."

"Ah, it's not quite your property yet," Jefferson pointed out. "You haven't given us our reward."

"On the contrary, it is mine, it was stolen from me."

"You let someone steal from you? I thought you were a powerful sorceress," Frankenstein said.

"I can prove to you just how powerful I am, knave!"

"Now, now, dears, let's not turn this messy," Rumplestiltskin crooned. "Maleficent, give the boys their due and the artifact is yours and you can use it to enchant that wonderful spinning wheel."

Maleficent huffed indignantly. "You may be powerful, Dark One, but you've no power over me! Don't order me around!"

"I was merely making a suggestion…"

"No! You weren't! You were expecting me to just cave because you are the oh so menacing Dark One! I won't have it! This is my home and things go _my_ way in _my home_!" She snatched at the sphere but Rumplestiltskin tossed it quickly to Jefferson and when she rounded on him, he tossed it to Frankenstein. "STOP IT!"

She pointed at Frankenstein and he was enshrouded with dark clouds and the sphere clattered to the floor, a fine crack appearing in it. Maleficent growled as she snatched it and in place of the doctor there was now a newt. Jefferson snorted in laughter and bent down to retrieve the doctor. "He's so cute now," he cooed.

"Temper, temper," Rumplestiltskin chastised as Maleficent caressed the sphere lovingly. "You'll have to turn him back, you know."

"Uh, no, I don't have to do anything," the witch replied, narrowing her eyes. "My home, remember?"

"You are simply awful, my dear, is that why your only companion is the stunted horse?" the Dark One inquired.

"What? No! I could have friends here if I wanted! Regina comes over sometimes!"

"Probably only when she needs something," Jefferson said, still examining Frankenstein who was running about his palm in a frenzy.

"Does the stunted horse at least talk?"

"Yes!"

Silence.

"No, but I talk to him and I know he understands me!"

"Could you just turn Frankenstein back into his true form so we could leave? I feel depressed the longer I stay here," Rumplestiltskin sighed.

"I'll turn him back after dinner, I'm too hungry to use magic," Maleficent grumbled.

"Ohhh I feel a proposal coming on," the Dark One groaned. "Let me guess, we join you for dinner and then you'll turn him back?"

"Yes."

"No, sorry Frankie," Jefferson nudged the newt with his thumb. "I can't suffer a dinner with this bitch."

The newt promptly bit his thumb. Maleficent burst into angry tears. "I don't need you! I don't want you here! Get out!"

"There's still the matter of our payment," Rumplestiltskin prompted. "Oh, and the doctor, he's too useful to be left as a newt."

Maleficent's shoulders slumped and she pointed at the newt which promptly turned into the doctor which caused him and the Hatter to crash to the floor. The witch let out a triumphant laugh as they untangled their limbs and stood up again. "There's your payment."

"We agreed on more than that, you can't just change me into a newt because you're angry and then say setting things right settles the score!" Frankenstein roared.

"I just did. Go away. Or I'll curse you all!"

"Y'know boys, this is entirely worthless, let's just go," Rumplestiltskin sighed. "But don't expect any sort of help from me in the future, dearie." He gestured to the others and they stepped towards him, cursing under their breath about Maleficent. The Dark One made sure he had a firm handle on them before he grinned widely at the witch. "By the way, I thought this might happen given your nature, have fun with that magic, you'll soon find it is merely cinnamon enchanted to sparkle."

They disappeared just as Maleficent screamed shrilly and heaved the ball at them. There was the sound of if shattering before they found themselves in the Dark One's castle.

"Did you really send us after a faulty item?" Frankenstein asked, annoyed.

"Oh no, that was the real thing, I just assumed she would throw it and now she's gone and wasted it. You two may help yourself to as much gold as you see fit though, for your troubles."

"You classify all that as 'troubles'?! She turned me into a newt!"

"You got better," Jefferson chimed in.

Frankenstein glared at him as Rumplestiltskin fell into a peal of laughter.


	2. In Which Captain Hook has a Horrible Day

Chapter Two

In Which Captain Hook Has a Horrible Day

It had been some time since the trio had met for another adventure. Frankenstein appeared miffed about the whole newt incident and refused to make any effort to respond to the dozen of messages Jefferson sent him until finally, on no particularly special day, he agreed to meet with the Hatter and the Dark One. Jefferson was positively beaming in delight; he did so enjoy the adventures he shared with his two companions…friends? Well, Jefferson was unsure whether to count them as such. The Doctor just seemed so resistant to the idea and Rumplestiltskin…well, he was the Dark One. When the good doctor finally arrived, Jefferson ushered him to the table in the garden.

"Sit, have a nice cup of tea," he instructed, shoving the mug towards the other. "And a very merry unbirthday to you!"

Frankenstein peered at him suspiciously. "You're not in one of your moods are you?" he asked. He glanced at the tea. "I'm not thirsty."

"I insist!"

"I insist otherwise!"

"Bah, you've no manner of humor about you, Frankie."

The Hatter grinned at him and Frankenstein sighed, lifting the mug to his lips and sipping at the tea before setting it down and pushing it away. "I've a request to make," he said. "I think I realize where I went wrong with my experiment, it is not enough to have a heart, a need a source of life as well, something powerful."

"Ah, else you simply raise a zombie, yes?" the Hatter inquired.

"A Zom bee? No, it's not a manner of bee at all," Frankenstein replied, perplexed.

Jefferson doubled over in laughter and seeing the insulted look upon the doctor's face he waved his hand in dismissal. "Nevermind!" he exclaimed. "So! What exactly are you thinking?" he asked, stifling his mirth.

"Life," the doctor reminded him. "Preferably eternal life, it may be strong enough to return those passed fully to the world of the living."

"Only the Dark One possesses life eternal!"

Both the Hatter and Frankenstein jumped at Rumplestiltskin's impromptu arrival, but the Hatter recovered, shoving the undrunk cup of tea at him. "Merry unbirthday!"

"Thank you!" Rumple exclaimed, finishing the tea in a single gulp. "You can't just _make_ eternal life, Doctor," he added, patting the man on the shoulder.

"I am sure that's the answer though!" Frankenstein huffed. "Eternal life…it would keep the mind from degenerating so quickly."

"Frankie is trying to raise an army of bees," Jefferson whispered to Rumplestiltskin.

"What an interesting hobby."

"Not bees!" Frankenstein snapped. "What about eternal youth? Something to keep the tissues from rotting, to keep the organs fresh."

"I despise talk on science," Jefferson sighed. "But, I have a suggestion. Have you ever been to Neverland?"

"Neverland?"

"I take that as a no." He stood and popped the hat from his head and placed it on the ground. "We'll be cautious this time, Neverland can be a tricky sort of place to get out of, I avoid it as much as I can for that reason. Will you come with us, Rumple?"

"Hnnnnnn yes," Rumple decided. "I've never been there either and if I could harness eternal youth well I know there's many a fool willing to trade a high price for such a thing."

"Off we go then, down the rabbit hole!"

The hat began to spin, round and round, the small hole becoming a gaping pit and they were sucked into it and into a land beyond. They reappeared on a ship to a mass of startled shouts followed by the song of steel as multiple blades were drawn from scabbards.

"Oooo pirates," Jefferson sang.

"That's all we need," Frankenstein added with disdain, wrinkling his nose.

"Make way for the captain!" one of the pirates shouted.

A man stepped into view, bright eyes looking first from Frankenstein, to Jefferson and landing on Rumplestiltskin with surprise. Quick as a flash he was drawing his blade and his face, which had been one of curious indifference, changed to a mask of hatred.

"You bastard!"

"Oh bloody hell," Rumplestiltskin groaned. "Of all the ships, Jefferson, did you have to bring us here?"

"Do you know him?" Jefferson asked, pointing at the charging captain.

"Oh yes, rather messy affair."

"When do you not have a messy affair?" Frankenstein wondered. "He's getting closer, by the way."

"I know, I'm waiting for the opportune moment."

The captain was nearly upon the Dark One, his sword raised above his head, bringing it down towards the imp's face when it suddenly vanished from his grip and he was left standing in front of him with nothing. "Oops," Rumplestiltskin grinned.

"Damn you."

"Sorry, dearie, but as much as I'd love to take a few minutes to tear your apart I'm not here for you. I'm here to bottle youth."

The captain frowned at him, there was a moment of tense silence and then he drove the hook that replaced his hand into Rumplestiltskin's chest. Rumplestiltskin looked down at the hook before he sighed and rolled his eyes. "If it didn't work before, it's not going to work now. But I like what you did with your hand, captain, one can hardly tell the difference." He plucked the hook from his chest.

"Hullo, Hook!" Jefferson called out merrily.

Hook glared at him. "You remember me right? We met in Wonderland, dreadful place that, I prefer Neverland even if it is full of bloodthirsty children."

"Children?" Frankenstein asked with interest. "They hold the key to eternal youth here don't they?"

"The Lost Boys?" Hook asked. "If you've come to rid me of those little bastards I won't be stopping you, why don't you hurry along and get off my ship?"

"They live there?" Rumplestiltskin asked, pointing to an island across crystalline waters. Hook ignored him but Jefferson nodded. "Right then, captain, uh anchors aweigh. Quickly now, sonny boy."

"No."

"Pardon?"

"Find your own damn ship! I'm not about to help you, crocodile!"

Frankenstein turned to Jefferson. "Is the Dark One truly part crocodile?" he asked and Jefferson shrugged.

"I could start gutting some of your crew if it helps. Maybe rip some of their hearts out," Rumple suggested, voice colored with malice.

They were pulling away from port soon afterwards, Frankenstein sitting on the deck taking notes, Jefferson enjoying the salty breeze, Rumplestiltskin basking in triumph and Hook seething at the helm. "So what do you _do_ here, pirate?" the Dark One asked.

"Shut up."

"No, I'm genuinely curious. Do you just sit here and brood about the various ways you wish to kill me?"

Silence.

"Should I be flattered?"

Hook's grip on the helm tightened.

"Because I took the healthy option and focused my rage on being productive, if you care to know."

"I don't."

"I've done some great things since last we met. A good number of deals, took my mind off of things, made a really powerful curse…have you really just been fighting little kids? Because there are better ways of dealing with anger issues than abusing children, dearie."

"They are wankers," Jefferson chimed in. "Nasty little devils, they tried to steal my hat once."

"We just need to capture one," Frankenstein mused. "If I can see how the magic here works, if I can understand it…"

"It's simple, time doesn't move here," Hook grumbled.

"Neither do grudges, apparently," Rumple sang.

Hook stabbed him with his namesake again and Rumple responded by simply waving his hand and making the captain go crashing overboard. The pirates around shouted with dismay and quickly set to lowering a life boat to retrieve their captain. By the time they had heaved him back, dripping wet, the _Jolly Roger_ had touched the shores of the island of the Lost Boys.

"Thanks, Hook!" Jefferson exclaimed, ignoring the death glare sent his way as the trio headed towards the gangplank to get to shore. Rumplestiltskin turned on his heel. "If you try to sail back without us, I'll sink your ship with you and everyone on it and we'll see how eternal youth holds up to drowning." He waved and took off after the other two.

It did not take long for the mysterious Lost Boys to find them. They had just entered the forest deep enough to block out the sight and sounds from the ship when a bright-eyed boy literally flew down in front of them. He stared at them and they stared back until Frankenstein pointed at him. "He can fly!" he exclaimed.

"Focus, doctor," Rumplestiltskin replied. "We didn't come here for flying, just steal fairy dust for that."

"It looks like we have some trespassers!" the boy declared, drawing a small sword. He stepped onto thin air and strutted about, clearly showing off after the doctor's reaction to his power. The bushes rustled and a group of children emerged. "What are you doing on my land?" their leader asked.

"Yeah! You can't join us til Peter tells ya!" a chubby boy exclaimed.

"We're not here to join you," Jefferson replied, wrinkling his nose at the thought.

Peter's triumphant look turned to one of irritated confusion. "Why that look? You think you're better than me and my companions? Ha! You're all just a bunch of old, wrinkly pirates!"

"Old?" Jefferson asked.

"Wrinkly?!" Frankenstein huffed.

"That Captain Hook sent you here, didn't he? To try and take over my land. I knew he was up to no good!" Peter shouted.

"You're absolutely right, he did send us," Rumple chimed in. "Told us we should burn the forest down and drain your corpses for your blood so we can get eternal youth."

Peter started fuming. "I'll send my shadow after him! I knew he was an enemy from the start!" and as he ranted, all three had to wonder how such a cherubic face could become so twisted and menacing in such a short amount of time.

"Could you spare some youth?" Frankenstein asked after the boy's tirade.

"Hm? What? NO! It's mine and you can't have it!" Peter shouted.

"Nasty little brat," Jefferson grumbled.

"I'll send my shadow at you too!" Peter warned. "He's very nasty, you know….OUCH!"

Jefferson and Frankenstein looked on in surprise as Peter suddenly shot into the air and out of view. His lost boys shouted in dismay and went crashing through the bushes to catch up to him as Rumplestiltskin corked a bottle with a few drops of blood. "Well done, keeping him distracted, we'll see if this works for you, Doctor," he cooed. "Come, let's get away from this island."

They were soon on board the ship once more and once the island was a fair distance behind them, Rumple nudged the Hatter to get them on their way. "You will be able to get us out of here, yes?" he inquired.

"Of course," Jefferson replied. "I think, we'll have to see!"

"Oh, by the way dearie you'll be seeing a lot more of Peter," Rumple added as the hat began to spin on the deck. Hook looked over at him with a growing frown. "We told him you sent us to burn his home and steal his blood."

"You…you must be joking."

"No, ah, here he comes now. Well gentlemen, let us depart."

The three jumped into the hat just as a dark shadow was rapidly descending towards the ship, the last sound they heard was Hook's curses before darkness swallowed them and spat them back out next to the Hatter's tea set. He brushed off his hat and jammed it back over his head.

"Tea?" he asked them.

"No, no I must return to my world and see if this will work," Frankenstein replied, admiring the vial of blood. "Wait for me brother, I will fix you."

He headed off without another word and Jefferson glanced at the Dark One shrewdly. "Do you really think that will work?"

"Possibly," Rumple said. "Either way, we've ruined Hook's day and that will keep me happy for a while yet. Come then, put on the tea, we have an unbirthday to celebrate!"


End file.
